Yes, it has been five years since I escaped domestic violence. And for those of you who have walked this path with me ~ the army of individuals who carried, dragged, lifted and pushed me through…well, I don’t even have the words to describe the effort or how much it has meant.
When I pulled out of his driveway on April 4, 2020, I had no idea I was escaping domestic violence. I thought I was leaving for a few weeks so things could calm down. My two daughters started a very direct conversation that we were living in abuse and that they were never going to live in his house again. And we never did. You’ve all heard the story. It was the plot twist to life I didn’t want but desperately needed.
What followed was a horror movie I could have never predicted – 105 incidents of stalking, harassment, and unwanted communication. Through the restraining order process, I knocked on the door of A Woman’s Place and spent 18 months in therapy (including EMDR), countless support group meetings, and three educational programs. I emerged a changed woman with boundaries, strength and perspective that would propel me forward and with the ability to manage the triggers and flashbacks that, while fading, still do haunt me today.
While I did the work on myself, I learned what I want YOU to know and realize. Domestic violence is everywhere. Practitioners and researchers are just starting to talk about the fact that 85% of us are impacted by domestic violence every day and don’t realize it and/or don’t understand the devastating impact.
And it isn’t just a battered woman issue. A full 25% of men, 33% of women, 50% of the disability community, and 50% of the LGBTQ+ are victims and/or survivors.
While 50% of victims report physical abuse, 95% report psychological torture. If he calls her a nasty, inappropriate nickname, mocks her endlessly in front of others, constantly puts her down, controls her schedule, and turns vacations and holidays into cyclones of misery ~ if you hear these stories from her or him ~ it is time to do some safety planning. Let her know, “Hey, I’m concerned; this sounds scary; I’m here listening.”
For some reason, we just don’t talk about it. It is dismissed as a “oh, I don’t want to intrude” and we blame the victim “he’s such a jerk why doesn’t she just leave him.”
She doesn’t leave because our culture, religion and family dynamics tell us to “just work on your marriage,” and our religions forbid the idea of divorce. And society protects abusers: judges tell you “oh yes he was stalking your daughter” or “I see he knocked your front door off the hinges but he is just a little upset that you left, this is all related to your divorce.” She doesn’t leave because she doesn’t have the financial bandwidth ~ 99% of victims/survivors report financial abuse.
That day, 5 years ago, it was my indepence day – it was the day I took my life back from YEARS of power struggles, manipulation, coercion and levels of control that still have me hang my head in some shame even though I fully know that the abuse was not my fault. I had fallen under the spell of a sociopath as it was wrapped in a pretty package I believed was love.
It takes a victim 7 times to leave. Tonight, I’ll sit on the textline of a local domestic violence center for five hours, making sure that those who are starting the process have a safe space to reach out to for support as they navigate.
