Domestic violence victims and survivors are everywhere – in your family, your office, your circles of friends and at your networking groups. Victims and survivors often live with a unique challenge: navigating life “scared” but determined. This morning, I was reminded of this reality in my life.
When the Past Walks Through the Door
As a facilitator of a networking meeting, I never expected my morning to take such a turn. Someone closely connected to my abuser—a classic example of what I call a “flying monkey”—walked into the room. This wasn’t the first time this has happened, and while it’s no longer as unnerving as it once was, it does still shock me. And seriously, now he is coming into my professional life? The constant emails and texts, knocks on the front door, stalking out in public – THAT was all bad enough. Now this? And he is still recruiting others to do this – do we not have anything else to do? How about we move on…I’ll continue…
For those unfamiliar with the term, flying monkeys are people who do the bidding of an abuser. The concept comes from The Wizard of Oz and is well-documented by abuse experts. These individuals think they’re helping the abuser, seeking approval and even accolades as they report back on their actions. But in reality, they’re being manipulated and abused themselves. It’s a toxic cycle, and witnessing it play out can be both exhausting and disheartening.
Standing Strong with Support
As soon as I recognized the situation, I leaned on my network in the room. I quietly contacted a few trusted connections to tell them what was happening. Their responses—“Are you okay?” and “What can I do to help?”—were powerful reminders that I was not alone. And this latest incident – and ALL the other abuse – is and was not my fault. The genuine care and concern of my colleagues reaffirmed that I have built a solid community around me—one that has my back in moments like these.
Safety Planning: A Lifeline for Survivors
Survivors of domestic violence must be prepared for unexpected encounters like this. For me, the ability to calmly handle this situation was a direct result of years of safety planning and support. If you’re a survivor, I can’t stress enough the importance of creating a safety plan. Work with a counselor or a domestic violence center to develop strategies that will help you stay calm and prepared, even in the face of potential threats. These resources can be instrumental in helping you rebuild your life and regain your sense of peace.
What Supporters Need to Know
If you support a victim or survivor, understand that encounters like these can be terrifying and overwhelming. Your role in providing reassurance and practical support during such moments is invaluable. Sometimes, just being available to answer a text message or offer a kind word can make all the difference.
Grateful for Growth
Despite this morning’s disruption, I’m choosing gratitude. I’m grateful for my network, my ongoing healing journey, and the people who have stood by me over the last four and a half years. Each challenge reinforces my commitment to reclaiming my life and moving forward.
If you’re a victim or survivor of domestic violence, know this: you have the right to live in peace. Seek out the resources and support you need to feel safe and empowered. And if you’re someone supporting a survivor, thank you. Your kindness and understanding mean more than you know.
Let’s keep building awareness, fostering resilience, and standing strong together.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out to your local domestic violence center or a trusted counselor for support. Help is available, and you don’t have to face this alone.
