The first birthday after a parent dies. I was told the day was going to suck …and that this day in future years will always suck. I prepared myself mentally which means I braced for tears…mine and theirs as well. The oldest has come home to be with us – I arranged for them to go out to dinner with your person. I’m sending them to Wawa for Treat-yo-Self Friday.
I want to erase this day from the calendar or race through it with lightning speed. For 30 years or so I have reached out to you on this day…in person and then on text with a Happy Birthday. You considered it a national holiday – I threw you elaborate parties – and even after our split helped you honor yourself in ways big and small. I laughed as you always took off from work – and now as I look at all that has happened, I am glad you did. It is also not lost on me that since your birthday falls in October it is the start of the holiday season – and this year that start is one of dread.
Look, I’m a happy person…glad to be the parent who is alive for sure. But their pain is so great I want it to be over with already. I’ll carry them on my back, wipe their tears, give them hugs…but at the end of the day this isn’t very fun, in fact it is profoundly sad. We all just miss you.
Over these last three months my heart has broken a thousand times for what you are missing – both for you missing it and them missing you – there have been so many moments each day when my eyes have filled with tears, and other times when I have sobbed. Drivers permits, college tours, campus drop offs, first days of school, new boyfriends (ughhh to that last one). I know you aren’t missing it, I can feel your presence, somehow watching over us. But to not be there with them, for them, and enjoying it all for yourself.
I know that wherever you are, and whatever the temperature, you have a beer in your hand and friends surrounding you. Just know that we are all sitting here thinking of you..and wishing you were still with us.
