Why?!?! Why does he destroy everyone in his path? Why is he wealthy and successful? Where is karma? Where is the righting of wrongs? How can someone treat others so badly yet reap such great rewards in life? It is truly baffling…the abuser never seems to pays a price for the damage he causes and it appears the universe just keeps rewarding him. I recently had the ah-ha moment about this question – the answer is quite simple: Every second of every single day…he knows EXACTLY what he wants to accomplish:
- Abuse everyone
- Be successful so he looks good to others.
ALL of his action is directed towards these two simple goals…every habit is finely honed to support them. In the morning, before his feet hit the floor he is planning his day of control, manipulation and his own success. He doesn’t get distracted…he doesn’t give in to squirrel moments. He chases those goals, his “why,” like a dog chasing a tennis ball. He insults, degrades, and pokes fun of EVERYONE in his path, telling them how great he is and how lucky they are to have him around. His actions are not those of unconditional love because he doesn’t focus on that – his focus is on manipulation and control. And he does the necessary actions…like managing his money or getting clients, to look successful…his other why.
He doesn’t get caught up in the standard trappings of life..building authentic relationships or doing good. Those don’t support his why. He doesn’t do kind acts, take care of others, show compassion, sympathy, or concern…they don’t fit with his goals. A friend calls with an issue…he turns the conversation so that the friend knows how great the abuser manages his money and why the abuser himself is so successful. He’s staying on task.
And, for better or worse, the universe rewards that focused intention.
However, we can all learn from the abuser…turn lemons into lemonade. Learn to tightly dial in your why and build the habits to stay focused on your goals.
How did I unlock this secret? I was recently part of 90 day U-turn with Denise Walsh and was challenged to state my why. At the same time, I started 2023 goal planning and every expert tells you to start with your why. Denise and ALL the others talk about how successful people are so successful because they tightly dial in their whys and THEN focus on them. And it got me thinking – just like the abuser…just like I need to do.
Recently I was on the Solful Connections podcast hosted by Amanda Soler. She asked me if abusers are always abusing, do they act this way towards others? And I started down the path explaining that he is always like this. He may seem nice to a flying monkey or a member of his cheer squad, but he is abusing them all…at all times…always with an agenda of bending them to his will, controlling actions and conversations, and ALWAYS making them feel just a little less than. We were recently honored to learn that Edie Weinstein listened to the podcast and she was inspired to write What Is Your Why? for the Good Men Project. So if you need help dialing in your own why, Edie’s article is a great place to start.
So now, without further ado, let me share with you my why’s…
- Build my life to be a living example of success, peace and happiness so my daughters believe, at a cellular level, they can accomplish anything they put their minds to. They don’t “need” a man (or anyone else) to live a successful and happy life. I want to break those ancestral chords that life has to look a certain way and rather you should follow your passions. Design your own life girls.
- Build my business to provide lifelong financial stability for myself and those who work with me.
- With most of those profits (since they are going to be HUGE) help women navigate the legal system after leaving an abuser. When a victim does leave, she is mercifully abused through the legal system. She is hauled into court over trivial matters and forced to give up days of her life sitting around and waiting as her legal fees mount. Negotiations are abandoned, deals reneged – all the while she is paying her attorney during the process.
- This last one is a little newer to the list. Someone has crossed my path who lives full-time in a wheelchair (he’s 27 years old). He requires 24-hour to do the simplest of tasks. Nurses and aids are not always available (or call out at the last minute) leaving his parents to care for him. While he is lucky to have them, we as a society need to do a better job giving him the independence he needs at his age. I want to do that starting a concierge service that handles his care so he never goes without. So he has a smidge more independence. Create a model that can then be duplicated so those with needs like his are accommodated everywhere.
I’m now developing detailed goals, action steps and habits to keep me focused on my whys…it is going to be a great 2023.
Before I go, (and laser focus on my whys), I would like to share a bit more information about karma and the abuser. I know there are victims and survivors out there who struggle with this. Their abuser is allowed to strip them of safety, dignity and money without ANYONE calling him on the carpet. And he seems to never fail and ever get punished. Again, he is always successful and always getting what he wants.
It has been well documented, by me and others, that while the abuser looks successful and happy, he is actually completely miserable…at all times. He has a hole, a wound deep inside of him that is so painful he can not look at it or really even acknowledge it is there. As such, he focuses outward to put others in that same pain and when achieved he says “welcome to my world.” He cuts into you as a way of making you look bad so he feels better about himself. After all, you are now in pain and crying and pathetic, unable to control your emotions. Now you are the one who needs help, certainly not him. Rather than do the healing, he puts others in pain.
While his success can bring him a sense of accomplishment and he can puff up his ego telling everyone how ‘happy’ he is…deep down that gut-wrenching emptiness is unbearable. He tries to fill it, but trust me, money doesn’t bring you happiness – it can’t heal the deep void inside. Money just gives you options (like the Louis Vuitton purse that is on my goal list – hey, a girl can dream).
To the victims and survivors, think about your abuser (not for too long I know how depressing THAT can get). Spend a few minutes on the focus he had in abusing you – cutting you down, keeping your life in chaos and confusion. Now learn from his focus and use it to build your own life…do some good with the lesson…you certainly deserve it.
And if you are supporting a victim or survivor, love her with EVERYTHING that you got. She’s been through hell and no matter where she is in her leaving, healing or thriving journey she needs your continued support to stay focused on her why.